Things not to say

When you first meet your fiancés mum:

1. COME OUT OF HER, FOUL SPIRIT
   
2. What nice false teeth you have
   

When you have an audience with the Pope:

1. Avoid any word beginning with 'F' in case Mr Tourette smashes you on the head with the ill fated tongue slip hammer
   

When you go for an interview at a Bible college:

1. That your motto is "if anything can be stuffed in a pipe, I'll smoke it"

By the way, my previous post was number 1,111 - interestingly the same number of words Zwingli could say in one belch (he was the world champion at the time, even preached whole sermons in one long burp - at least this is what his congregation believed was happening)

Apologetic strategy of the day

Someone gently asks: 'How do you explain all of the contradictions in the bible?'

1. Say incredulously 'What contradictions?' and hope they fall for your bluff. If they actually list any contradictions go to step 2.
   
2. Waffle about how 'contradiction' is a difficult word to define. However, if they offer a reasonable definition and apply it to a certain set of biblical texts, go to step 3
   
3. Mention their thoughts are wicked and that they must really hate all things righteous (roll your 'r'). If their face starts to harden, go to step 4.
   
4. Suddenly and forcefully grab a hold of their head with both hands, and rebuke demons of stupidity (and add generational rebellion, lust, greed and paedophilia for good measure). Then take of your anointed 'mantle' (i.e. your jacket), and thwack them round the abdomen as hard as is righteous.
   
5. Walk away from yet another ministry success.
   

Or, say something like 'Real life is full of contradictions and paradoxes. If the Bible is not merely a collection of abstract philosophical propositions but a collection of books written from the context of and about real life in all its grit and joys, grim and rapture, why, then, should there be no contradictions? Perhaps we should start judging the Bible according to what it is, not what it never was or never claimed to be'

CTRVHM Pastoral Advice

Listen to the problem case for a bit (call them that, too. E.g. "You must be Problem Case X13/12.3"), avoid eye contact (cf. bible references on the ‘evil eye’), and look bored. Then say:

"Either

1. Repent more, or
2. pray more, or
3. read the bible more, or
4. fast more, or
5. bind and loose more, or
6. tithe much more, or
7. all of the above. And more."

If, after a week, they claim that none of that works suggest they take the ‘more’ more seriously and that 7 is a perfect number so the fault must be theirs.

If they still say they are in a fix, throw your hands up in the air (still avoiding eye contact) and listen to the simply beautiful Goldfrapp track, ‘Clowns’ (that link being the real point of this otherwise pointless post).

How they get here

A Google search landed on my blog today, namely:

"Swearing is worse than smoking?"

I am assuming the "?" at the end of the sentence or why search for it, and so I offer you my learned answer, one shaped through years of the best theological education and hard study:

Yes, swearing is worse than smoking by approximately 3 centimetres of sin, measured in stable environment of atmospheric pressure 100 kPa (which is not enough to make good espresso, by the way). However, if any angels visit the toilet at the time of sin, then the swearing-to-smoking sin ratio increases exponentially, such that the smoking sin weighs the same as an electron (9.1 × 10^–31 kg), while the swearing weighs about the same as satan on a tricycle.

A Biblical Guide to Dating

1. Seek out your potential wife/husband based on how strenuous their doctrinal commitments are. You don't want any flabby 'emerging' nonsense or such like. If they have read all of the major Reformed authors, pray using words like 'N. T. Wright' in close proximity to 'Satan', are sure those who don't hold to their own exact statement of faith are damned, etc. maybe you've got a winner.

For men: Of course, she's got to look gorgeous too, or there's no point.

2. When the time comes to ask her on a date try this:

'Hi, I've not said this to anyone before (one little 'White Lie' won't hurt), but the Lord told me we will get married. Do you want to obey the Lord or not?'

3. After this has won you a date, spend some time talking about any crap that seems important to him/her (for men: tell her she looks lovely in her blouse, that her eyes are like limpid pools, or any other lie that seems to work) and slowly slide up next to her/him. Then whip out the old 'the Holy Kiss is biblical' line. I.e. start your sentence with 'Is it not written in Rom. 16:16; 1 Co. 16:20; 2 Co. 13:12 and 1 Thess. 5:26' etc. Make it feel like she/he is sinning unless she/he puckers up and 'makes out' good and proper.

4. After you've done some serious Holy Kissing, you need to take the relationship to the next stage. Admittedly, the biblical case for this step is not quite as convincing, but speak quickly and avoid eye contact and you could get a way with it.

First, you need to do some Holy Kissing. Then, when time is ripe, say:

"Darling, did you know that tongues is biblical?"

Then before she/he can answer ... well, you know what to do. Frenchy his/her face off.

5. The last step shouldn't be too hard if they've strung along this far. Essentially, you need to practice some logical deduction with your partner. Wait until you've Frenchied your tongue numb, then raise in conversation:

'You remember what the Lord commanded us about getting married? Well, is it not written in 1 Corinthians 7:9 that "it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion"? Do you not feel the sexual tension in this room (i.e. that you are feeling sexual and that she/he is feeling tense - but don't mention that bit)? You therfore know as well as me what the bible says we must do'

6. Organise the wedding quickly before she/he can stop and think.

It worked for me.